TTC intro

So here it is..... we are finally ready to TTC.   Jacob will be 4 in a few weeks, my husband and I are hoping to extend our family.

Truthfully, I never thought I would be ready for another child.  A month after Jacob was born (May 2010), my mother was diagnose with stage 4 gastric cancer.  As you are guess... it was very hard on me, along with my Brother and Dad, we became her caretaker, my baby blues had turn into a full blown depression.

I was always overwhelmed and was always sad thinking my mother would not be here for all of Jacob's milestone.

There were many emotions, I was depress, I had anxiety (every time the phone rings I panic), I felt guilty because I was a working mom....it was just too much.

My mother lost her battle with cancer on May of 2013,  she fought long and hard for 3 years for us....
after she passed my depression got worse, I had to seek therapy and start antidepressants.

During this time I had people asking if I was ready to have another child, my answer was a hard NO, I didn't think I could do it without my mom....... even tho she was sick with cancer, she was always there for me when Jacob was a newborn, giving me advice, helping me with his first bath and etc.

Just thinking she won't be there for my next child made me slid into a even deeper depression.

Slowly but surely, with the help of my family, friends and my wonderful therapist, I am slowly healing.... I still miss my mom dearly and think of her everyday.  When I make parenting decision I would always ask myself "what would mom do?"

Around January, we had a pregnancy scare, we were not pregnant but it got my husband and I talking.  Turns out he wanted another child, he felt like Jacob needed a sibling and missed having a baby in the house.  At this point I started thinking about my relationship with my Mom..... about that special bond a mother and daughter has.  I will never have that again.... I would never be the daughter in that role, but I still have a chance to be the mother......

Now I am not saying I ONLY want a girl,  girl or boy would be great.  (I see a plus in either gender.)  but to have that bond again would be amazing...... and hopefully one day I would be as great of a mother as my mom was to me.

So here it is...... my TTC intro.  Welcome to our Journey.